I am feeling like at any second my tears are going to spill out of my eyes with out warning. My heart has so many questions and my head tells me its impossible to have them answered. I lost one of my Grandmas Monday morning. The grief has take the form of a cement bucket, I have to carry around and I don't want to leave it anywhere because Its mine and your supposed to carry it around right? So I showered with it siting in the tub with me, I was careful not to let it get too wet, I slept with it next to my bed and when I woke up I moved it out of the way so My niece could climb in my bed and say "Don't worry Tia Cece I'm here to save the day Its Super hero Elicity" (I swear She can see the bucket) I hid it with a pillow when my mom came in and said "Get up Lazy Bones as she tickled My super Hero. I carried it around my room as I looked for something to wear and made sure to grab it on my way to my car. I sat it on my passenger seat and rode to work with no music. At work I was unsure if I should get it off and I decided to leave it in the car but as I worked I realized that the tears came even with the bucket in the car. So the bucket had nothing to do with. I was kinda confused for a second as I wiped my tears away hastily at my desk. How was I grieving if I had left my grief in the car. Then it dawned on me it's because it was my heart my heart is sad and I can't leave my heart in the car. Then whats the bucket?!? I guess the bucket is just the feeling that death was just here and took something special to me and I realized as I sat at my desk that I could leave the bucket anywhere I wanted and not feel bad because My heart is all I need. Whether its full of tears or laughter its strong enough for it all and the bucket is just added baggage that I do not need. I decided that I would find a place and drop it off ASAP. No extra baggage for me. So yes the tears can and will spill out at will, and that's fine with me. I always think that tears are my heart cleansing me, my soul and my vision.
So about those Questions I have about my grandma Isabel Martinez. I'll go with # 5 on my Rules of Life. #5 Stop thinking too much, its all right not to know the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it. Deep breath and keep going.
A few pics of what I seen today
A few pics of what I seen today
Just up from one of her short naps she has been taking
Under that band aid is a tiny little itty bitty dot and that's her owie from falling down =)
She ended up taking it off because it had healed.
Sisley on the phone
We love the sun!! Did I tell you she bought a house? Don't freak out lol It's a good thing. I promise!
Life is present and so am I.
Are you?
Enjoy your day and I'll be back I promise.
Luv Mela
